I (sort of) played (almost) every Kingdom Hearts game this year

Hey there, it's Menow.

In the summer of 2018, I mentioned to my good friend and avid Kingdom Hearts fan that I wanted to play Kingdom Hearts III. He said that in order to understand what was going on in III, I really needed to have played every game in the series. Naturally, I went to Best Buy right then and purchased Kingdom Heart 1.5+2.5 ReMIX alongside Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Final Mix, the two discs containing all of the hot sweet lore I had been missing all these years. Looking back on this moment, I realize now that a normal person would hear my friend's comment and think something like, "Oh I'm sure I'll be fine, I can just read a wiki and catch up." I am not a normal person.

I mean, I knew I was gonna love this.

If you aren't familiar with these discs, they contain all previously released Kingdom Hearts content in one form or another. There is...a lot of content. Here's a list of it:

Kingdom Hearts Final Mix (game)
Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories (game)
Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days (cinematic)
Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix (game)
Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Final Mix (game)
Kingdom Hearts Re:coded (cinematic)
Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance HD (game)
Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth By Sleep -a fragmentary passage- (tiny game)
Kingdom Hearts χ Back Cover (cinematic)

That was apparently not enough, so I downloaded Kingdom Hearts Union χ[Cross] after the discs were said and done and played that on my iPhone pretty obsessively for awhile.

Reflecting upon this Square Enix Disney Binge Bonanza several months after its completion, all I can see is a Hot Topic haze of bonkerballs plot points, bosses that made me want to send my DualShock 4 hurtling into my television, and the power of friendship.

Writing all of my thoughts on all of these games is obnoxious. Instead, I'll give only my strongest lingering thoughts and feelings on each title (which will probably still take forever).

Kingdom Hearts Final Mix  

The first entry in the series, and my biggest learning curve. I loved scouring the worlds for dalmatians and trinity marks, as well as the prizes and abilities awarded for completion. I did not love Donald being in charge of my life.

What I remember the most from this game is trying to beat Hercules over a period of nine days. After the initial humiliating failure on day one, I had to put the game down for three days to try to cool off. I tried again on the fourth day and got further than before, but still lost. Day five was a second cool down period. Days six, seven, and eight, I'd turn the game on, try for awhile, then turn it back off when I thought I was about to commit acts of actual violence, cry, or both. On the ninth day, I triumphed.

This is easily the angriest I have ever been playing a video game.

Literally the rest of this game was fine.

Please help me understand why this is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories

Ok real talk. I played a single fight of this remastered game and hated the combat so much that I suckered my husband into playing it instead. Using the deck while simultaneously engaging in real time combat (moving, dodging, targeting) was so horrifyingly not fun that I didn't even want to try to get gud. But I couldn't miss the story - the reason I was running this gauntlet in the first place - so Brian took one for the team and played through the entire game while I watched. (Brian is really great.)

Larxene I feel personally attacked

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days

I truly enjoyed watching our pals the Nobodies sit on a horrendously unsafe clock tower ledge and eat sea salt ice cream hundreds of times. What else are friends for?

I have got it memorized

Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix

This is the game that really roped me in. The previous three games, I was just getting into the series, feeling out the characters and the gameplay. Once I got a few hours into KH2, I was completely sold.

I love the combat in this game. The drive forms were engaging and fun, and since this was a newer game, the controls were a lot more responsive and manageable. The story gets real good. I loved it.

Well, not all of it. Port Royal was silly, unnecessary, and the trash enemies were needlessly difficult. Atlantica made me want to die.

And let's not forget this:

#neverforget

Or this:

God, why

Ok but to be fair, also this:

This was one of my favorite moments in gaming.

This was a great game that pulled my heart out of my chest and I loved every bananas twist and turn this thing took.

Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Final Mix

I thought I loved KH2, but then I played Birth By Sleep. Almost right off the bat I knew BBS is my favorite entry in the series. I loved every second of this game. Aqua, Terra, and Ventus are amazingly crafted characters, Leonard Nimoy and Mark Hamill are in it, and the pacing really worked for me. The triptych story unfolded in three beautiful strokes, guiding me to live and relive each moment with purpose. The three smaller stories gave me a greater sense of accomplishment more quickly, as I was able to beat each line in 10-15 hours. I still had the satisfaction of playing one, unified game.

Yeah, I missed our pals Sora, Donald, and Goofy. Legit this game is bangin though.

Look at the promotional artworrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkk

Kingdom Hearts Re:coded

I won't lie to you. Not once, but twice, I fell asleep during Re:coded, and had to start it over. Both times I was well-rested, and it was the middle of the day.

I found it challenging to end Birth By Sleep then move on to, um, this. Kingdom Hearts is famously confusing and convoluted, but this cinematic was next level. I eventually made it through this strange, computerized installment, and felt consistent gratitude that this was not a playable experience.

Me trying to watch this cutscene movie

Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance HD

WHO'S THAT POKEMON?!

Just what the franchise needed, a series of little monster buddies you can - wait, craft? That's right folx, for whatever ungodly reason, Dream Drop Distance has you going full chimera on your fancies, fantasies, and figments to create some little dream babies you can enslave to fight your battles.

I grew tired of the drop mechanic - in which you switch between playing Riku and playing Sora on a timer - almost immediately. To put it bluntly, I was looking forward to this game being over long before it was over.

Gotta...catch em...all?

Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth By Sleep - a fragmentary passage - 

Aaaaaaand we're back to the good shit! I was simply delighted my girl Aqua cartwheeled her way back onto my screen, and even more delighted that the gameplay in this lil' epilogue prologue demo whatever whatever felt like Noctis and Sora had a beautiful blue-haired baby.


I knew this would be a short romp, but the unlockable outfits and intricate worlds captivated me nonetheless. Upon completion, I felt both sorrow and joy that the playable portion of my Kingdom Hearts tour was nearing its end. I was almost ready to join the masses on the Hype Train for KH3.

Oh noooooo I have so many feelinnnngggsssszzzz

Kingdom Hearts χ Back Cover

Here we are at last, the end. The final installment is the cinematic cutscene compilation of a mobile game called Kingdom Hearts Unchained χ . It dramatizes the events of the keyblade war, and there are a lot of new characters wearing pretty animal masks. That's like literally all I can say about this. It is not great.

CCCCCHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BLAYD

Kingdom Hearts Union χ[Cross]

Apparently, that was not enough for me. I promptly downloaded the current mobile game for iOS and got to medal grinding.

This game is fun for awhile until you get too far in the story and it's super hard to upgrade your medals and/or obtain medals without spending cold hard cash (which I refuse to do). The graphics are really cute, and I loved creating and dressing up my avatar as well as taking on party challenges with my real-world friends.

I'll add that no other mobile game has taken that long to download while connected to wi fi, and I think the χ 3 (Ex Tres) mode addition is cool, but not endlessly engaging like I was hoping it might be.

We're so cute, but look at that screen clutter, good gawd

There it all is. I plan to request some time off work for the January 2019 launch of KH3. I want to feel simple and clean. For hours. Uninterrupted.

At the end of this endeavor, I learned that I agree with my friend. This shit is way too complicated and confusing to launch into without any background information. If you're looking to play Kingdom Hearts III and you want to know what's going on, play through these games. The Feels™ were more than worth it for me, and so was the experience of failing over and over and over again then finally succeeding. (I'm not super good at failing and being ok. Playing Kingdom Hearts was great practice for that!) If I can make it all the way through, so can you.

Last, I need to thank the good people at Destiny Islands for writing the bombest Kingdom Hearts guides around. If I was ever stuck or too tired to try, Destiny Islands was always there for me. If you too are embarking on this journey and need a little help, feel no shame consulting the pros. For all things KH, Destiny Islands is the pros.